Sporting excuses

You've got to hand it to Charles Collymore, one of the agents interviewed as part of the BBC's Panorama investigation into bungs, tapping-up's and general football shenanigans.

His excuse that he made up everything he said to undercover 'agent' Knut auf dem Berge, a German UEFA-licensed coach, so he could sound out whether he was the real deal was comical.

It reminds me of a few other sporting exuses from recent times. At the 1998 Winter Olympics, Canada's Ross Regabliati was stripped of his gold medal after a drug test found traces of THC - the chemical in marijuana. Regabliati claimed the traces came from second-hand smoke he consumed while partying during a pre-Olympic bash. He promised to "change his lifestyle" and wear "a gas mask" to future celebrations.

The best though comes from Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl after losing to Musumba Bwayla. "My opponent is a stupid man and a hopeless player. He has a huge nose and is cross-eyed. Girls hate him. He beat me in a two-hour match because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts and that made me lose the concentration for which I am famous throughout Zambia."