Poor in Perth

It can't keep going like this can it? I mean how many times can you log on and think of another damning post to write?

Luckily, the best bits about blogging are finding random stories or coming across links to post, rather than continually write about England's demise.

However, falling short of dissecting every part of Duncan Fletcher's troops, I was amazed at Freddie Flintoff's fielding nous today.

Against New Zealand, Ricky Ponting placed his best fielders on the ropes towards the end of the innings. Ball-by-ball Andrew Symonds and Michael Clarke stopped the thwack, thud and wallop of Jacob Oram's bat. And it definitely saved Australia so much more than the eight runs that the Kiwis fell short by in defeat.

Chris Tremlett and Liam Plunkett's blunders today summed it up. At least England got past 200.

Golden Globe for Warne

Another memorable day's cricket. Ali Cook's century, Glenn McGrath's penultimate over and Shane Warne's histrionics the highlights.

He is a legendary bowler, but Warne must be stopped in his tracks when it comes to excessive appealing and the subsequent theatre he puts on in his disappointment when no finger goes up. On too many occasions Warne spun round looking for the decision to go his way, only to stay half-way down the track, shaking his head, hands on hips and bemused within himself that the batsman wasn't half-way back to the pavilion.

It's the Warne ploy, of course, to pressure the batsman but shouldn't match referee Jeff Crowe step in? The umpire would never rise to it, although Warne and Rudi Koertzen, standing at Warne's end for his long spell, at one point looked to be joining in on the fun when his body language suggested that one of Warne's deliveries was a particularly juicy one.

Gilly puts on Viv show

So many runs were being churned out on day three here that it was a total surprise that Adam Gilchrist was even nearing the Viv Richards record.

A friend, Chris, and I looked round at each other as we overheard a drunk Aussie relay the details from his phone: Gilchrist needed four balls (I immediately gesticulated over the top banter) to beat King Viv's fastest Test century. We couldn't believe it. "But didn't Viv get his in 50-odd balls?" my mate reposted in a tone suggesting that he couldn't possibly be right.

Looking back now, drained after a pummelling day for England and for fans caught out by the ferocity of today's heat, it was an innings of pure brilliance. Those 24 runs in one over off Monty Panesar were breathtaking. Gilchrist's footwork was majestic, the way he moved effortlessly for those sixes with his backfoot moving like a Bolshoi dancer was great to watch.

My mate's gone back home now. He's seen 26 wickets and close to 1,000 runs in three days. Only thing now is for Geraint Jones to score a double hundred, but not until you get in on Monday please.

Perth produces pearler

My hotel tagline glares "Extraordinary, every day" on its website and England were going to have to produce that before day one in Perth, at least to be in with a shout of this spiralling-out-of-control Ashes series.

So what a day of Test cricket - the second in a row for the neutral fan which also saw Billy the Trumpet Man back, licking his lips by the the fifth over of the morning. It wasn't a bad toss to lose for Freddie as Australia's batsmen fell three down at lunch before Michael Hussey's partners just forgot how to form a partnership.

It's taken two Tests in waiting but it seems something always happens when Monty's in your side. Few spin bowlers seem to have that extra zest but he's got it alright and a third five-wicket haul in Test cricket, coupled with Steve Harmison's straightness left Australia all-out on day one.

But how the last hour was agony to watch for the English fan. I wondered if Hussey was given orders to let the lower-order face the bowling so they in-turn could get 15-odd overs at the English. It worked and the way the ball hit the deck was probably testament to how the WACA of old used to play.

I imagined then the days of Lillee and Thomson running in during the Seventies with a raucous crowd behind them. The fans today at least soaked up the atmosphere and there was a comical moment on the Hill to show for it: first a scuffle broke out; then an Aussie girl's boyfriend was taken away; huge cheers when he came back in; two minutes later the girlfriend was escorted out. Like that lovers' tiff, it's anyone's guess as to how this Test will play out.

**There's another Ashes podcast up at Nobok Sports. Listen to it here. Find the Monty scan at the After Grog Blog.

Don't forget your toothbrush, Doctor

It's time to delve into the Nutley archive: for this Perth Test has drawn up two blogging memories from England's tour to India earlier this year.

As the Australian players trickled into their Perth hotel over the weekend, it brought back memories of an absolute pearler of a cricket anecdote that journalist Ted Corbett told me about earlier this year. It centres around Dean Jones and his epic double ton in Madras twenty years ago and, more importantly in the context, why you see Australians carry their washbags from the team bus when they check-in at hotels on the sub-continent. For more laughs, read Ted's March 6 entry.

The Fremantle Doctor, Perth's cooling sea breeze, should help the spinners get some afternoon drift for this third Test - it is at its best during the December and January months after all - while it should offer the bowlers some swing after lunch. If the 'Doctor' is as consistent as it has proven to be this week, then England's use of weather patterns would come into the equation for the second time this year. Check out the Wankhede high tide factor entry here.

Cash and Curry

Every so often one of these stories crops up. It appears a group of mad-keen cricket fans in Perth have spent too long under the Western Australia sun while exhausting guide books in their attempts to find a decent curry house.

They've gone and ordered their usual from back home in the UK and the restaurant owner is flying out to deliver the food to his, now, favoured customers. Read the article here and then here for how the idea will be scuppered once it gets close to Australia's quarantine services.

Let's begin the Phil Daal-freitas, Phaal Tufnell and Ashley Gilesfrazi jokes.

Fletch, Monty's waiting in the wings

'BORE DRAW' screamed the Adelaide Advertiser this morning. Yeah right I thought. With England one wicket down, however, and a full day to play, there was still the uncertainty that Shane Warne could do the damage and add another chapter to the one already filed under England's Ashes: Misery and Failures. Today, it took a bad umpire's decision and a run-out, but that's all a team needs - especially England in recent years - to somehow wilt under last day pressure.

If England had held out for a draw with Australia, say, seven or eight down, there might have been reason to keep Ashley Giles. As it is, Duncan Fletcher has to play Monty Panesar in Perth after this disaster. He will be cradled by the cheering Barmy Army support there, whatever the Aussie crowd does to put him off - but at least he'll be match fit.

Will this be the change to at least put England back to winning ways? Victory in Perth would still keep the Ashes alive. However, after the tourists defeat today, let's not think about the (flat, run-fest, draw kind of a) WACA pitch just yet. Extraordinary game though, albeit one that has probably damaged the exciting undertones this series was first viewed.

The Perth email

-----Original Message-----
From: Stephen Rodney
To: Simon Barnes
Sent: 21 December 2006 17:16
Subject: A Perth tale...

Dear Mr Barnes
As an ardent cricket fan of the non "Barmy Army" variety , I hope youwill forgive me for writing you on the subject of my experiences ofbeing in the same 5 star hotel as both the English team and indeed manyof your journalistic "colleagues" for the last week or so in Perth.I thought it might be best if I diarised the experience of myself and mycompanion, another who prefers luxury to discomfort! I can't beabsolutely sure of all times due to various (occasionally alcoholic)reasons but I hope my point will be clear fairly early on.

Monday 11th December - c 10pm-T Day minus 3 days - we've been in Ausabout 10 hours now; just settling in - have found our seats at the Bar,along with Messrs Botham, Atherton, Hussein etc; wow, those Sky guyscertainly have a tough life! Just re-reading how Arsene Wenger doesn'treally respect English players because of their drinking culture etc. Ohyes, forgot to mention that Messrs Bell, Jones and assorted others arealso keeping us company. Oh well, I suppose they've got 3 whole days torecover.

Tuesday 12th December - c9am - T Day minus 2 days - a funny thinghappened this morning. Maybe we just had hallucinatory hangovers orsomething but I could've sworn we've just seen many of the Englishplayers stroll into breakfast with their wives, children, prams, nappies- what a lovely holiday scene! It's just like Germany 2006. And didn'twe do well there too? And look, instead of sitting with each other,talking, strategising, having a laugh, bonding (God forbid!) the playersare all sitting on separate tables with their wives and children,looking pretty glum and not even talking to each other! Ah, that'ssweet, one of the 342 staff travelling with the players is sitting nextto Monty who otherwise, without wife or child, would've been sitting onhis todd. How thoughtful.

Wednesday 13th December- c9.15am-T Day minus 1 day - we've just had thesame hallucinatory experience as yesterday except that KP and Monty seemto have found each other at breakfast. Oh yes and Andrew Strauss can beheard laughing about how little sleep he got last night 'cos his nipperwas up half the night! What a 21st century man he is. I mean if I waspossibly going to be facing the best cricket bowling attack in the worldwithin 24 hours, I would probably want at least 12 hours completelyuninterrupted sleep - that Strauss bloke must be super-human!

Thursday 14th December - c9.15am- it's Test Match Day - came down tobrekkie -excellent to see that the boys are down the WACA practising - Imean if I was any one of Strauss, Jones, Cook, Flintoff, Harmison, I'dhave been up and sorting my batting , bowling etc. Afterall, it's not asthough they don't need the practice! Wait a moment, it's all happeningagain; they're all rolling into brekkie - the WAGs, the kids, theprams, the nappies. Well at least they'll all be sitting together on themorning of the match won't they? Oh of course, they can't can they -ifthat happened, the WAGs would be all upset and we can't have that canwe?

Friday 15th December - c 11.30 PM - we get back from dinner and guesswhat? Ian Bell has obviously had a lovely diner somewhere and quiteunderstandably wants to wash it all down with a bottle of that lovelyAussie beer we've all been drinking. And his lovely wife has bought abottle for him. How romantic! We think we can add to this touching sceneby generously sending over another bottle saying that whilst he'spissing away the Ashes, he might as well have another one on us! But ourgenerosity deserts us at the last minute.

Saturday 16th September - c 9.15am - rather than hallucinating thismorning, I think I've gone back in time. I come down to breakfast to seeKP deep in conversation with Michael Vaughan, who is dressed in hisEnglish gear. I could've sworn Vaughany had been injured for months andhad said he had no intention of being anywhere near the Test scene inAus. And now he's actually in the same hotel as all the other guys!Well, he wouldn't want to be seen as being an interloper would he? MaybeKP thinks Vaughany's experience can be helpful to him? Freddie'sprobably got enough on his plate anyway!

Sunday 17th December - c9.30am - the usual scene in the breakfast room.We are queuing for our eggs and sausages next to Michael Atherton. Mycolleague remarks at what a lovely family scene it all this. Athers sayswell that's what happens at home so he can't see what the fuss is allabout. Funny that, my colleague remarks, when they're playing at home,don't they stay in hotels on their own during the Test Matches? Athersstabs a sausage meaningfully and moves away. Lovely to see allcricketers, old and new, sticking together.

Monday 18th December - c11pm - we've just been out drowning our sorrows after Christmas has come a bit early for England and we've been stuffedharder from behind (and in front and indeed sideways) than any turkeycould reasonably expect to be. We feel in need of a bit of cheering up.We get back to the hotel to see much merriment going on in the Bar. We figure it's those naughty Sky journos again, living it up. But no, it'smost of the English squad (plus WAGS obviously) laughing and joking.Well I suppose it was only a game of cricket after all. And I'm sure allthose people who've spent all that cash coming out to see the gamesreally wouldn't mind the guys looking as though they've just lost avillage match would they? The really funny thing though is that in themiddle of this throng of laughter, one player stands out as looking asthough he's feeling a bit upset. Trust him to spoil the frivolities,that KP. Oh and where's Monty? Gone to bed early someone said. Anotherparty pooper.

Mr Barnes, all the above is true. If it seems unbelievable it was. Andwhat's worse I haven't seen any newspaper article about how this chaosmust have without question been a factor in our dismal performances.I hope you can find a way to cover this aspect of what I suspect in timewill be seen as one of the most disastrous cricket tours in a long time.Isn't it funny how in the last few years we've done a lot better whenthe players have gone to WAGs unpopular places like India and Pakistan?

Regards
Stephen Rodney
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