Ending on a b@ll@cks

One joy of this Ashes series has been the co-commentating of ABC Radio's Kerry O'Keefe and Jonathan Agnew. O'Keefe has gently mocked his colleague's Englishness this summer, while Aggers's own use of English would surely have got him sacked from the BBC if he had kept to his word during one afternoon at the Sydney Test.

The pair had got onto the subject of "bollocks" with Aggers announcing that if he had uttered the word on the BBC he would have landed in big trouble. O'Keefe remarked that he could happily talk bollocks all day on ABC. Aggers then suggested that he might end his last session "with a big" bollocks, just so he could get it out on the Australian airwaves. In hindsight, Aggers would have aptly summed up England's 5-0 defeat.

In Australia, "bollocks" means absurd or an absurdity while "bollock naked" is naval slang for spaghetti bolognese.
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There's none of the above when it comes to Nasser Hussain. There's a fifth Ashes podcast up, where Nasser talks on the series defeat, the retirees and the one-day jamboree. Listen to it here.

It had to happen

Just when I was getting over yesterday's damp squib ending to England's Ashes quest (actually I felt the dying embers in Adelaide), the Sydney Morning Herald plant this over their sports supplement front page. (More shots here at flickr).

Law 23, rule 9D at the SCG

Australia's fun authorities have been at it again. From Brisbane to Sydney, each Test venue has had its particular rules and regs but the laws this week top the lot.

The Mexican Wave has already been banned from the SCG but news reaches Nutley of an eye test to eke out possible cricket drunks. A friend was told to lift off his sunglasses from one barman yesterday so he could examine his eyes: if they looked drunk he was told to return to his seat.

The Australian public have seemingly been under these types of everyday laws for a while now. It reminds me of one particular measure put in place by a Sydney suburb last year. Local councillors came up with an idea to pump out 'daggy music' (uncool) to avert youths from the streets late at night. The music in question was Barry Manilow's back catalogue which was put through a loudspeaker at a well-known hotspot in Rockdale, south Sydney.

I doubt whether England's dressing room has been doing the same (It was Ring of Fire last March in India), although Bazza's 1973 single Cloudburst could be the track to save them in this final Test.

Last chance saloon

The one saving grace from this series is that the Australian media have kept a keen eye on the Ashes: 4-0 up and three legends about to retire could be the reason why. This was the front page of the Telegraph this morning, while the backpage reveals the usual 5-0.

5-0... it's definitely on

On this forgettable Ashes trip, England have probably now achieved as many days off as David Gower's optional nets tour of the West Indies.

It was a limp effort to be beaten in three days, but at least England were consistent - defeat had already looked on the cards the previous day when Andrew Symonds and Matt Hayden were enjoying batting together.

And I have officially lost my England positives too. After years of thinking the unimaginable ("we'll come back on day 5", "2-0 down in the series isn't a problem", "someone will dig us out at 103-6") yesterday proved that England simply do not possess any of Freddie Flintoff's press conference "fight".

If an Ashes Down Under is the toughest tour, then why schedule just two short and meaningless warm-up games and not the usual four-day affair? From the first day in Brisbane to the inclusion of Kevin Pietersen at four mid-way through a Test, this tour has been doomed. And I'm fed up too of little wry smiles from England players on the brink of defeat.

England's decision to appoint three full-time security guards and still let the Aussies in on their bowling secrets only adds to the ribbing. You have to hand it to the Aussie media though. Although it was cricket fan Nick Guthry who emailed it to ABC, the Test Match Special equivalent, after it was found on the floor of the MCG members bar, this information wasn't revealed until after the English press had come to their own conclusions to further landslide the team's performance in Melbourne.

It's tourist mentality to enjoy yourself, especially if you are an English fan, but it must be a world away from back home where people are enduring torturous back pages. Many have berated the nationals over the years for their approach to English cricket when things go wrong; today's editions will be no different except I will be in agreement.

Everything has gone right for Australia in this increasingly emotional Ashes ending. The SCG should now see Shane Warne's 1000th international wicket on a turning pitch and home favourite Glenn McGrath see out his prediction wish of 5-0.
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Warne's MCG Quote of the Week: "I feel like I've had 50 vodka red bulls every time I walk onto the field."

Let the battle commence

The Ashes battle has begun already... off the pitch that is, in the fans' quest to secure tickets for this winter. With jammed phone lines and web browsers freezing, around 180,000 tickets were snapped up as Cricket Australia (CA) released a minimum 635,000 tickets on the web and phones, for the 'Australian Cricket Family' out of the 720,000 available.

Aussie forums have been quick to show their irritation at the apparent ease in which Pom fans have secured their tickets (CA's qualification process meant fans had to provide a valid Australian postal address, but it seems Brits have got round that obstacle). A quick call to a mate in Sydney confirmed that the Poms have already caused stress to the Aussie cricket fraternity, while four days have sold out at the SCG and 20 fans even queued outside one outlet from 6am to be told that it was web and phone only.

With fans breaking records in their bid to secure tickets - this series is already set to be one hell of a sequel to last year's events.