England back on the radar

Nevermind the cricket, the tension this morning happened off the pitch.

Listening to TMS with a hangover as Arlo and Co attempted to decipher the D/L method and the various other scenarios for England to end their tour on a high was, at times, unbearable.

I've never known so much importance on the 22 balls England needed to bowl to constitute a game. As the team management, commentators and ground staff huddled over their various monitors, checking out weather radar patterns like this one, it also meant a whole deal to Freddie Flintoff.

If the rains had come any earlier, England and Australia would have headed to Adelaide and yet more days Down Under. Instead, England's flight will be an extremely happy one; the dressing-room pictures in Sydney proving that. An amazing ODI series trophy is now in their hands, quelling the memories of the Ashes disaster.

Wake up and mark this day

Wow! Finally a real performance from England.

At least it didn't take the 463 days it took Australia to win back the Ashes for England to win a game against them, but I'll settle for 83 winless ones Down Under. (More number crunching at Patrick's blog).

And after weeks, seemingly months, of continual banter from the Australian media, England can finally get their own back on News Limited's Robert Craddock for this piece. It's small justice though.

Ed Joyce's ton, Liam Plunkett's first ball, England's fielding... a far better showing today in Sydney and for once total domination, although the Aussies did match the tourists in the run-rate department.

Wishful thinking... but finish the tour unbeaten and anything could happen in the World Cup.

Boon and baggage handlers

The long flight back to the UK at least gave me something to look forward to. My wife had put eggs and milk in the fridge and I was ready to return in time to catch the Twenty20 game in Sydney.

Baggage handlers at Heathrow apparently couldn't keep up with the influx of flights at 6am and two hours of waiting has left me in tatters. Six weeks Down Under made me forget (thanks Shiraz, Cab Savs and VB) my total dissociation with British airports and all the other frailties my country possesses when it comes to serving its public.

Perhaps this is the reason why former Tasmanian David Boon sunk 52 beers from Sydney to London back in '89: get comatosed, wake up in a swish hotel and a memory blank on the three hours it probably took the team to get out of the airport. Okay, that was a theory but Boonie's real aim was to beat the previous efforts from past players. Read the Weekend Australian's account here.

Anyway, that's the Ashes trip over for me and thanks for all your comments over the weeks. Tiredness is creeping in but it's not over for the year round Nutley to Nagpur as it starts the countdown to the Caribbean and hopefully a new and improved website.

It had to happen

Just when I was getting over yesterday's damp squib ending to England's Ashes quest (actually I felt the dying embers in Adelaide), the Sydney Morning Herald plant this over their sports supplement front page. (More shots here at flickr).

1-2-3-4... 5-0

Whitewash complete: today's brief showing from England summed up their tour. As Ian Chappell said today on Channel Nine: "England have been like candy floss - bite in the middle and there's nothing there".

Well, at least there has been one positive from Nutley's point of view. I have seen first hand the Aussie mockery it gives opponents when its own is winning. Nutley has chronicled most of the Australian media's backpages and you can view them here at flickr and over the coming days. Here's a taster from The Age backpage after the MCG Test:

Law 23, rule 9D at the SCG

Australia's fun authorities have been at it again. From Brisbane to Sydney, each Test venue has had its particular rules and regs but the laws this week top the lot.

The Mexican Wave has already been banned from the SCG but news reaches Nutley of an eye test to eke out possible cricket drunks. A friend was told to lift off his sunglasses from one barman yesterday so he could examine his eyes: if they looked drunk he was told to return to his seat.

The Australian public have seemingly been under these types of everyday laws for a while now. It reminds me of one particular measure put in place by a Sydney suburb last year. Local councillors came up with an idea to pump out 'daggy music' (uncool) to avert youths from the streets late at night. The music in question was Barry Manilow's back catalogue which was put through a loudspeaker at a well-known hotspot in Rockdale, south Sydney.

I doubt whether England's dressing room has been doing the same (It was Ring of Fire last March in India), although Bazza's 1973 single Cloudburst could be the track to save them in this final Test.

Last chance saloon

The one saving grace from this series is that the Australian media have kept a keen eye on the Ashes: 4-0 up and three legends about to retire could be the reason why. This was the front page of the Telegraph this morning, while the backpage reveals the usual 5-0.

5-0... it's definitely on

On this forgettable Ashes trip, England have probably now achieved as many days off as David Gower's optional nets tour of the West Indies.

It was a limp effort to be beaten in three days, but at least England were consistent - defeat had already looked on the cards the previous day when Andrew Symonds and Matt Hayden were enjoying batting together.

And I have officially lost my England positives too. After years of thinking the unimaginable ("we'll come back on day 5", "2-0 down in the series isn't a problem", "someone will dig us out at 103-6") yesterday proved that England simply do not possess any of Freddie Flintoff's press conference "fight".

If an Ashes Down Under is the toughest tour, then why schedule just two short and meaningless warm-up games and not the usual four-day affair? From the first day in Brisbane to the inclusion of Kevin Pietersen at four mid-way through a Test, this tour has been doomed. And I'm fed up too of little wry smiles from England players on the brink of defeat.

England's decision to appoint three full-time security guards and still let the Aussies in on their bowling secrets only adds to the ribbing. You have to hand it to the Aussie media though. Although it was cricket fan Nick Guthry who emailed it to ABC, the Test Match Special equivalent, after it was found on the floor of the MCG members bar, this information wasn't revealed until after the English press had come to their own conclusions to further landslide the team's performance in Melbourne.

It's tourist mentality to enjoy yourself, especially if you are an English fan, but it must be a world away from back home where people are enduring torturous back pages. Many have berated the nationals over the years for their approach to English cricket when things go wrong; today's editions will be no different except I will be in agreement.

Everything has gone right for Australia in this increasingly emotional Ashes ending. The SCG should now see Shane Warne's 1000th international wicket on a turning pitch and home favourite Glenn McGrath see out his prediction wish of 5-0.
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Warne's MCG Quote of the Week: "I feel like I've had 50 vodka red bulls every time I walk onto the field."

Fletch, Monty's waiting in the wings

'BORE DRAW' screamed the Adelaide Advertiser this morning. Yeah right I thought. With England one wicket down, however, and a full day to play, there was still the uncertainty that Shane Warne could do the damage and add another chapter to the one already filed under England's Ashes: Misery and Failures. Today, it took a bad umpire's decision and a run-out, but that's all a team needs - especially England in recent years - to somehow wilt under last day pressure.

If England had held out for a draw with Australia, say, seven or eight down, there might have been reason to keep Ashley Giles. As it is, Duncan Fletcher has to play Monty Panesar in Perth after this disaster. He will be cradled by the cheering Barmy Army support there, whatever the Aussie crowd does to put him off - but at least he'll be match fit.

Will this be the change to at least put England back to winning ways? Victory in Perth would still keep the Ashes alive. However, after the tourists defeat today, let's not think about the (flat, run-fest, draw kind of a) WACA pitch just yet. Extraordinary game though, albeit one that has probably damaged the exciting undertones this series was first viewed.

Adelaide aperture

More fans in Adelaide. Hoggy won't be happy.

South Australia snaps

A few photos from out and about in the crowd on Sunday: chin-strapped Adelaide Old Bill, the old scoreboard after Ponting's ton (but showing England's 551), Aqua-style headgear and a Blighty hat (silly Ascot fashion-watchers take note).

Lamb to the slaughter

So, a few hours left before it all begins. I will be galavanting around London to find out where cricket fans are watching the excitement, and will be reporting back for this blog. Before I get some sleep, a reader has sent in this link on today's sketch by Alex, The Daily Telegraph cartoonist.
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Carrying on from today's earlier post, another England stalwart has got on the banter wagon ahead of the Brisbane Test, which starts... today, tonight, tomorrow morning, wherever you're reading this! Ah, you knew that.

Allan Lamb has suggested that with Shane Warne at the helm, Australia would have won last summer's Ashes. Lamby's mindgames continue with the hint that Ricky Ponting's troops are showing pre-match nerves by selecting a big squad for the first Test.

Pre-match - even pre-series nerves - didn't even play a part when Lamby was around. Speaking to David Gower this summer, he told of one way Lamby and himself used to prepare themselves for tough tours: tackling the St Moritz Cresta Run.

"There was a mutual friend who had driven bobsleds as an amateur and wanted us to try it. We thought it would be a test of nerve doing the Cresta run and of course there’s nothing like facing the West Indies and Australia in the mid-80s: good acclimatization and good for things going past the head quickly. It was good fun and we subsequently did it for the next four years: a Cresta run in the morning and a bit of skiing in the afternoon. Because the Cresta is such a sociable club, half the people who turn up in the morning are completely buggered, so it clears the hangover pretty quickly. We copped a bit of stick for doing so-called dangerous sports a week before we were due for a big tour. When you first down you can dig your ties in and slow down. You feel like you’re doing 150mph but you’re not. You are something like nine inches off the ground, leading with your head on the Skeleton, and you are mighty close to the ice. It’s an exhilarating feeling especially if you like a bit of a buzz."

Let the battle commence

The Ashes battle has begun already... off the pitch that is, in the fans' quest to secure tickets for this winter. With jammed phone lines and web browsers freezing, around 180,000 tickets were snapped up as Cricket Australia (CA) released a minimum 635,000 tickets on the web and phones, for the 'Australian Cricket Family' out of the 720,000 available.

Aussie forums have been quick to show their irritation at the apparent ease in which Pom fans have secured their tickets (CA's qualification process meant fans had to provide a valid Australian postal address, but it seems Brits have got round that obstacle). A quick call to a mate in Sydney confirmed that the Poms have already caused stress to the Aussie cricket fraternity, while four days have sold out at the SCG and 20 fans even queued outside one outlet from 6am to be told that it was web and phone only.

With fans breaking records in their bid to secure tickets - this series is already set to be one hell of a sequel to last year's events.