All-round party pooper

I missed this one, but the trans-Tasman rivalry continues in earnest. Word has it that the Black Caps' greatest all-rounder Richard Hadlee was overlooked by Cricket Australia and not sent an invite to the upcoming Chappell-Hadlee series. Oh well, at least he was invited to bulldoze the infamous Bay 13 at the MCG a few years ago; he must have done such a good job back then that CA have finally got one back on NZ's chairman of selectors.

Nevertheless, this is a chance for the Nutley to relive some classic anecdotes involving Hadlee and Australians:

He once received a letter from an inmate in Auckland jail asking for some memorabilia. He wrote that it was difficult to get to the grounds at weekends because they preferred to keep him in on both days. Hadlee then said the letter finished: "P.S. If it helps, the house I burgled was owned by an Australian." Another Hadlee anecdote involved a lady who went up to the Kiwi a couple of times during an autograph session. "Haven't I seen you before?" said Hadlee. She said: " Yes, but when I get 10 of yours I can swap it for one Dean Jones."

5-0... it's definitely on

On this forgettable Ashes trip, England have probably now achieved as many days off as David Gower's optional nets tour of the West Indies.

It was a limp effort to be beaten in three days, but at least England were consistent - defeat had already looked on the cards the previous day when Andrew Symonds and Matt Hayden were enjoying batting together.

And I have officially lost my England positives too. After years of thinking the unimaginable ("we'll come back on day 5", "2-0 down in the series isn't a problem", "someone will dig us out at 103-6") yesterday proved that England simply do not possess any of Freddie Flintoff's press conference "fight".

If an Ashes Down Under is the toughest tour, then why schedule just two short and meaningless warm-up games and not the usual four-day affair? From the first day in Brisbane to the inclusion of Kevin Pietersen at four mid-way through a Test, this tour has been doomed. And I'm fed up too of little wry smiles from England players on the brink of defeat.

England's decision to appoint three full-time security guards and still let the Aussies in on their bowling secrets only adds to the ribbing. You have to hand it to the Aussie media though. Although it was cricket fan Nick Guthry who emailed it to ABC, the Test Match Special equivalent, after it was found on the floor of the MCG members bar, this information wasn't revealed until after the English press had come to their own conclusions to further landslide the team's performance in Melbourne.

It's tourist mentality to enjoy yourself, especially if you are an English fan, but it must be a world away from back home where people are enduring torturous back pages. Many have berated the nationals over the years for their approach to English cricket when things go wrong; today's editions will be no different except I will be in agreement.

Everything has gone right for Australia in this increasingly emotional Ashes ending. The SCG should now see Shane Warne's 1000th international wicket on a turning pitch and home favourite Glenn McGrath see out his prediction wish of 5-0.
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Warne's MCG Quote of the Week: "I feel like I've had 50 vodka red bulls every time I walk onto the field."

The Hadlee post

In my last job, I spent a fair bit of time interviewing Kiwi legend Richard Hadlee.

His name came to mind this week with the massive MCG Test upon us. The notorious Bay 13 at the "G" used to put the wind up Hadlee no end and the taunt "Hadlee's a wanker" was heard everytime New Zealand played there. Greg Chappell once told Hadlee that to be called a wanker was, in fact, a mark of respect! So it was with classic Aussie irony when Hadlee was asked to bulldoze Bay 13 in 1992 when the ground underwent renovation; after all he probably did save his best performances playing Australia.



Hadlee also has some memorable quips involving Aussies. He once received a letter from an inmate in Auckland jail asking for some memorabilia. He wrote that it was difficult to get to the grounds at weekends because they preferred to keep him in on both days. Hadlee then said the letter finished: "P.S. If it helps, the house I burgled was owned by an Australian."

Another Hadlee anecdote involved a lady who went up to the Kiwi a couple of times during an autograph session. "Haven't I seen you before?" said Hadlee. She said: " Yes, but when I get 10 of yours I can swap it for one Dean Jones."

Melbourne (mellow) drama

Last night, a reporter cousin and I were drinking with some locals. Word spread that Shane Warne was going to announce his retirement. A quick phone call to Cricket Australia put the story to bed: nothing in it.

This morning, the world's media crashed the MCG for the final Test chapter in Warnie's legendary and entertaining career. I've written an online piece for Cricket World Magazine on today's events, which you can read here.

It was clearly the Warne way to quit at the top. He also stated his intentions on getting his home life back on track, and one thing that struck me was the fact that if he intends on doing so why is he playing for Hampshire for the next two years?

The England team's media managament have also jumped on today's news and decided it was probably a good time to bury semi-bad news as they say, with Steve Harmison announcing his retirement from the one-day game.

Anyway, what can Warnie achieve in his two more years with Hampshire? Will he be a good commentator? Feed your comments...

Bodyline goes big-budget

At last! Soon, my Hindi copy of Lagaan might not be the only cricket-related DVD in my collection.

According to the Herald Sun, a search is under way to find an actor to play Don Bradman in a big-budget version of the infamous 1932/33 Bodyline series. Former Aussie Test stars will be hired to help out in perfecting the resulting actor's Don-like technique. Russell Crowe has been touted to play Australian skipper Bill Woodfull, while ex-Neighbours hottie Holly Valance will play Bradman's wife and no doubt use her own bodyline for box office appeal.

'The Bloody Ashes' is being produced by Matthew Vaughn, who was behind the smash hit Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Expect plenty of slow-motion beamers, Vinnie Jones sledging at first slip and The Guv'nor chomping on fat cigars from the MCG member seats.

To get the authentic brylcreem look, I also expect the English team to be fronted up by Toby Stephens and Damian Lewis, with Colin Firth as team manager or all-rounder depending on how much weight he loses for the part.