Wrong clowns, Greg!

Two England innings now of complete ineptitude (230 off 72 overs) hasn't even resulted in what Australia would consider a decent 50-over total.

At least it gives me space to link in two stories which didn't make this week's blogging.

Firstly, Greg Blewett was fined AUS$1000 this week after he recently called the state selectors "clowns" on an Adelaide radio station. Apparently he breached Cricket Australia's code of behaviour ruling after he referred to the region's state selectors as "basically volunteers". I'm just thinking whether Blewett might have got away with it if he had said he was actually referring to England as "clowns".

At least the hapless tourists are not the only team to suffer in world cricket. Check out the start of Mumbai's second innings score in their game against Baroda this week. Five ducks might even make Duncan Fletcher sleep easier if he knew about it.

Adelaide nights

We kick off a quadruple helping of Nutley posts today with a p.s. note attached to one email I received from a colleague. Now this blog is not intentionally going in for wicked whispers but it's hard not to after the manner of their defeat against New Zealand.

Anyway, it's from a journo covering the Ashes tour and he had this to say about England's shenanigans in Adelaide:

"PS: Is it any surprise our cricket team is so useless when the players are out at strip clubs until 5am on Sunday night and had girls in their rooms until 7am last night? Have to say though, having seen a couple of the girls, its hard to blame the lads....."

Seagulls swoop on England

The seagulls have only added to the atmposphere of the Adelaide Oval over the last five days. Here, they sprung into action after the cacophony of Aussie noise which greeted Michael Hussey's winning runs. Took this quick snap and then scarpered out the stadium; blisters on the feet and contemplating that unbelievable morning's hour of batting from England. Four posts today - not bad.

Fletch, Monty's waiting in the wings

'BORE DRAW' screamed the Adelaide Advertiser this morning. Yeah right I thought. With England one wicket down, however, and a full day to play, there was still the uncertainty that Shane Warne could do the damage and add another chapter to the one already filed under England's Ashes: Misery and Failures. Today, it took a bad umpire's decision and a run-out, but that's all a team needs - especially England in recent years - to somehow wilt under last day pressure.

If England had held out for a draw with Australia, say, seven or eight down, there might have been reason to keep Ashley Giles. As it is, Duncan Fletcher has to play Monty Panesar in Perth after this disaster. He will be cradled by the cheering Barmy Army support there, whatever the Aussie crowd does to put him off - but at least he'll be match fit.

Will this be the change to at least put England back to winning ways? Victory in Perth would still keep the Ashes alive. However, after the tourists defeat today, let's not think about the (flat, run-fest, draw kind of a) WACA pitch just yet. Extraordinary game though, albeit one that has probably damaged the exciting undertones this series was first viewed.

Adelaide aperture

More fans in Adelaide. Hoggy won't be happy.

Nutley bits

Adelaide has already thrown up some memorable moments - if you're an English fan - so let's go over to the Ashes Blog for some classic backyard re-enactments from key moments of the second Test. I originally thought they did this to bypass image copyrights from the big boys like Getty Images, but now I just think it was just a good idea from a bunch of mates. And click here for their take on last summer's epic.

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Ashes Tickets have long been snapped but fans can still get their hands on some - if they smash their favourite item. In a classic Australian competition, my favourite radio station of the moment, Triple M, is urging fans to bring along their most prized possession for some radio producer to break, rip or smash up. Judging by some of the items pictured in this link, fans are clearly digging any old item out of their garages.

Adelaide's own BMW

BMW's have all the luck. A recent survey suggests that its drivers have more sex than owners of any other cars and are much more active than Porsche drivers. (I don't know any myself so unsure of this statistic). Anyway, Nutley's point is aimed at another piece of BMW luck.

BMW is Botham, Merrill, Willis - the wine brand set up by two former English cricketers and a South Australian wine producer. Their wines have been around for a few years now, even though Botham met Geoff Merrill at the Adelaide Oval twenty years ago. There is a great line on how the brand was set up from humourist Bob Willis (who may have spilt some of his own stuff on his jumper) in an interview here. "They [Adelaide] have two beers there called West End Draught and Southwark Premium. I referred to this Southwark Premium as 'weasel's piss', and then this voice said: 'Don't like our beer? Then you'd better try our wine.' And that was Geoff."

Don't miss

There's no accounting for some of Australia's outlandish rules and regulations. One Adelaide urinal picture has been popular this week, courtesy of the TMS picture blog and the Corridor.

This theme continued when perusing an Adelaide bookshop yesterday. If you need any book ideas for Christmas, the Toilets of the World book is well worth a tenner. Buy it here and read about it here.

Adelaide Diary: Poker, spin & sledges

By far the best Adelaide station to wake up to - in my case 4am at the moment - is Triple M. The Adelaide version had 12th Man creator Billy Birmingham on this morning talking about its success, and Nutley was quick enough to record the classic interview. There is a new 12th Man CD out which features a Kerry Packer sketch; Richie phones up heaven and interrupts a poker game with the late media magnate, the Apostles and Jesus. You'll hear me laughing in the background during this mmmarvellous bit of comedy, and you can download it here.
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There is something rhythmical watching Australia in the nets. The day before the fifth Test at the Oval last summer, it was England who had the confidence: Trescothick, Strauss, Bell and Flintoff batting as one in the nets, almost at ease with everything going on around them. Yesterday, Australia looked the part: Gilchrist pulling effortlessly, Ponting making the net bowlers look just that, and Warne, with one pad on, playing the six balls left, 10 to win game. He then treated the 100 spectators to a spin class with the aid of mentor Terry Jenner, who was helping his pupil with flight and drift in a particularly long session.
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After yesterday's news of a possible Adelaide streak, last night witnessed humiliation for one Aussie at least. A mad-keen supporter named Simon had a bet last year that England would not win the Ashes. At 5pm he had to walk across the Birkenhead Bridge in Port Adelaide in nothing but a pair of Union Jack underpants. Local businesses and people from the community saw him take the "Walk of Shame", although it is not known whether he has since tipped England to regain the urn.
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It may be day one in Adelaide (and for UK readers, waking up at last to a promising start) but England could have been reminded of what might have been in Brisbane, thanks to a You Tube clip sent in by Dan. Ian Botham blasting 22 in one over off Merv Hughes is classic Beef on ball stuff. There is one rarely heard sledge surrounding this over - coming from one of the Swerve's own team-mates. When Dean Jones tossed the ball back to Hughes after a huge flay from Beefy, he said: "Jeez, Merv, that one went so far it should have qualified for frequent flyer points."

Adelaide Diary: Old Boys still got it

Sport has always had tradition where it is customary for recently-retired players to go behind the microphone. Sky Sports, more than most, has a plethora of ex-cricket boys and in the 16-odd years since broadcasting, I wonder how many times coaching staff have asked commentators for advice on a struggling tour member? Michael Holding, the best bowler in Sky's motley crew, has been asked by Kevin Shine, England's bowling coach, to help study Steve Harmison's action in time for Friday's second Test. Holding and Shine will study television footage from 2004, when Steve Harmison was the world's deadliest paceman. If the story is correct, Holding will no doubt focus on Harmy's technique and not the opposition, during one particularly deadly Caribbean blitz, that year. Personally the story looks a dead one; can you imagine Holding's golfing afternoons being tampered with so that he can iron out England's problems earlier in the day?

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The old boy stories continue with the news of an on-stage interview with Darren Gough last night, at the Adelaide pre-Test dinner. The former England bowler said that Darren Lehmann, the South Australian skipper, was a 'strong rumour' as the next England coach after Duncan Fletcher. Whether it was a blast at the current coach is unknown, but Gough said: "He teaches enjoyment to the players... his knowledge is second-to-none, especially of the England players after playing in the country for so long."

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Word reaches Nutley of a sponsored streak during the Adelaide Test. It is understood a major company has been looking at ways to maximise marketing potential over the last few months through the stunt. One local radio station had a phone-in this morning to gauge the city reaction. In a country that used to like the odd disruption at sporting events, the results were surprisingly even, depending on the sex of the streaker and what time of day it was at the time.